I Don’t Wanna Be Here Anymore!

Back in 2021, my grandmother passed away due to old age. I’ve never had anyone that close pass away, so it was definitely a shock to me. What I did not realize at the time, was that I never took the time to grieve her loss properly and healthily. My mind was gone and I was ready to give up on life.

I knew something was seriously wrong when I was driving down a street about to make a right turn and this particular turning lane on on a hill. I remember this thought coming to me, “it’d be better if a car comes right now and take me out”. During that time, I accepted any and every thought that would come to.

For months, I dealt with the same suicidal thoughts. Even tried to reach out to certain leadership at my church, but most of them thought I was being dramatic, addressed other areas that I was acting out of character in, not realizing that it was outward symptoms of an inner turmoil. I had two close friends who stood by me and when I spoke with them about what was going on, they never judged me for it. The Lord even sent people to minister to me as well and I got better.

Fast forward to when my mom passed. The same suicidal thoughts came back again. Around this time in 2022, I was working towards certain goals. I wanted to lose weight, finish my bachelor’s degree, be in a relationship with a certain person, and work on getting another job so I could eventually live somewhere else. But after my mom passed, I had to put those goals on pause and move back to Mississippi. And it messed with my mind, making me feel like a failure. I failed the very last class that I needed to graduate and had to pay for the class because I failed it. I worked as a nanny for about 5 months for an old church family (which I enjoyed), but I knew that it was not what God had in store for me. I ended being in a relationship about a year after my mom passed, but it ended miserably due to the guy cheating on me and admitting to leading me on. So, you could see why these suicidal thoughts would come, especially because I’ve had history with them.

Maybe you’ve experienced these type of suicidal thoughts before:

“What’s the point of this life anyway?”

“Everyday, it’s getting harder and harder”

“No one cares so why should I?”

“Maybe I should leave this earth.”

“Maybe I should take all of these pills”

Maybe I should go get that gun out of my parent’s room”

“If only this car or truck would come and just hit me right now”

“I can’t deal with this anymore”

I am here to tell you that your thoughts are not your own. They either come from the enemy or they come from the Lord. Dealing with suicidal thoughts comes directly from the Spirit of Suicide, an imp sent by Satan to lure you into taking your own life. It is a sickly sweet spirit that, if you allow it, will make you seem as if you will be better off dead.

This is my testimony of how I was set free from the oppression of the spirit of suicide.

I was lead to listen to Keith Moore, a Pastor based out of Missouri. He is known for having free books and other content on his webpage, so I decided to look through the books that he had. One of the e-books that stood out to me was a book that he wrote pertaining to suicide (I will provide the link to the book below). As I began reading it, I began to cry right there in my office. Pastor Moore spoke by the Spirit about what suicide was and what happens when a person commits suicide. He had a testimony from someone who tried to commit suicide and they explained how they literally saw themselves and what they had done to try and take their own life. The Lord was gracious enough to give him another chance, but I believe that the Lord also wanted the person to tell others of what happens when you want to unalive yourself. For example, if i slit my throat and died, when my spirit leaves my body, I would be able to see exactly what I did to myself and I would more than like be horrified. But the story helped me to see that the Lord does not want us to take our own life. We still have a plan and purpose designed by Him to complete before the coming of Christ. Also, Pastor Nancy Dufresne has a series on the Mind. And there’s a segment called “Anointing for the Mind”, where she prays for people at the end to be free from oppression of the mind. I pray the same prayer over anyone who reads this that you be free from the spirit of suicide and I command those bombarding thoughts of the enemy to cease and desist in the name of Jesus, for God has a plan for your life.

Question: Do Christians get sent to Hell for killing themselves?

No. God is a merciful God and He would not send His children to Hell for that. The only thing that can send a person to Hell is not accepting Jesus as their personal Lord and Savior.

God has a plan and a purpose for your life (Jeremiah 29:11). Don’t give up. Don’t quit. For you shall reap if you faint not (Galatians 6:9). Jesus loves you and wants you to come home when you have been completely satisfied with long life and have completed everything, down to the very last detail, that He has called you to do.

If you are dealing with suicidal thoughts, please reach out to someone you trust, send us an email or call the Suicide Hotline at 988.

You can also visit their website more info at https://988lifeline.org/

Link to Do Yourself No Harm

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